the ups-and-downs

Monday, December 20, 2010

my identity (:

My identity has made clear when i finally decided (:
Who am i to you ?? (:
We have had the answer. How interesting i am gonna have another family and i am looking forward to what God has instored for me.
The book of my life has a brand new chapter in knowing another concept of family and i felt awesome because i believe at the end of the day , i will experience something different which is not easily could be chosen by everyone (: PTL
Not an abnormal girl but with God, we live an extraordinary life isn't it (:

My own family given by God,
Family in Christ given by God,
Second family given by God,
Future-to-be family ???  =D

Friday, December 10, 2010

笔触

决定在部落格上涂鸦有几项原因 :第一,受朋友影响,第二:感觉上没有那么公开性。不过使用后,才惊觉发现自己并没有那么需要大众化公开生活小点滴,也不赞同同侪这样做。毕竟,这是全世界的人都可以阅读的,也许以后别人可以将这些当着把柄来反击你也说不定。当然许多人是想用文字发泄情绪,这没错呀。但是实际上在面子书在部落格的文字有多么神秘这是我们都众所周知的。对我个人而言,我喜欢将纸和笔随身带,因为一有灵感我可不能在等到回家时才写。曾经希望拥有一本日记,但纸张东一边西一边,煞是麻烦。文字可以抒发我的情怀,一切流露在纸上可以用一个字形容,“爽”。最后我原想将好多东西搬出来分享,却觉得有点困难。因此我将部落格当成一种启发吧。。
每个人都有独到的见解,只欠方法是否用对,再考虑时间,地点,对象等。我想用部落格变成一个人阅读后的得到不同启发的地方=)所以若你现在读着,请不要赶着将它读完,你在心底里可以好好思考每一字每一句并想想你是否也这么想=
上面说到文字,其实我依然热衷于将文字写在纸上,虽然慢,但那个过程带来的感受和启发可就截然不同了。我喜欢在夜里将房灯都熄了,亮着桌灯,手里握着笔感受着笔尖碰触纸张带来一种细腻的感觉。笔尖在纸上挥洒着。。一撇,一捺,一横,一竖,一点 (你真的可以试试,但不可以急的呀)
李宗盛的一篇报导有这么一段文字“若你认识李宗盛够久,你会知道他爱用铅笔写字。他说他喜欢写字的原始状态,喜欢炭和纸张接触的质朴感觉。。”这就是我所说的。。享受嘛 (:
你呢?

dance (:

自小爱上了舞蹈,除了在客厅和妈妈播着贝多芬,莫扎特,舒曼的交响曲随意摆动身子自创舞步以外,也被送去了学习韵律操。每次在舞蹈中心将双手沾满粉末爬monkey bar,踏上弹簧似的板用不同的姿势跳过一个有我们一半身高的固体,用双脚靠在墙上双手倒立50秒,在平衡杆上作翻跟斗等等,还真的忘记了自己跌跌撞撞过几回。慢慢长大了就学会一只马,拱桥,将脚拉到头的后方等等(其实人可以是软骨动物)。韵律操里有藤圈,绳子,ribbon and club,每次将这些apparatus 抛上去后一定要用身体部位接住,“百抛百中”就是要磨练的地方。他们可没有你想的那么轻盈,藤圈是最重的,可以让你皮肤黑青,给绳子鞭到也一样,ribbon是最容易打死结的,跳舞时最麻烦就是它,club对我而言是一场灾难。。 它虽然硬,打在头上可以烘出小笼包,它也很容易断(只要你跌了数次),那时就得看老师板着黑脸了。
多年来参加过无数次在医院,在百货公司的表演,直到初二那年最后一场韵律操比赛后,我选择放弃了韵律操。它需要付出很大的代价,如果不是要从事韵律操事业的,放弃是最佳的选择。当然我还有另一个原因,就是我更偏向于跳modern contemporary dance(you can check out in youtube)。在韵律操里每个动作就是分数, 当然一个动作越难越复杂就越高分。我可不想再为了分数这样拼下去,毕竟我所追求的舞蹈是内心流露,具有深度,感动生命的意义。
曾在星洲日报副刊读过这么一篇报导。。
郭少麒——云门舞者
“舞蹈让我认识了自己的身体。艺术表演,是一个帮我观照自己的身体的介面,它反射我的生活,让我从跳舞认识自己的身体。人常忘记了自己的身体,不知道肩膀在哪里,不察觉自己在呼吸,但透过跳舞的一些动作,就可察觉到自己的肢体感受,感受到体温。透过舞蹈的动作,就能让自己发掘身体有无限的可能,并且带来细腻的感受”
                读了这篇文章,这位舞者终于诠释了我内心的感受,我就是喜欢跳完舞气喘呼呼的样子,身体每个关节舒散的感受,最重要是手的部位,如何摆动如何展示柔中带钢的动作。例如芭蕾舞,孔雀舞,千手观音等=)就如他说的“肢体的姿势是一种态度,一种语言”。它的文字顿时让我想翩翩起舞,如今心有余而力不足了丫。(柔软度有限了)
                是否让你对舞蹈有些启发呢?(当年跳的爱你对我而言不算舞蹈,它只是许许多多的小动作)
这就是我对舞蹈的热诚,跌的再痛也好,我也在那里爬起来了。若有机会再次与众多舞者在舞台上跳舞的话,我一定会再次参与的(:

Thursday, December 9, 2010

小品 (:

Mr.Bean 的笑戏,就像每张笑脸一样, 拥有更深一层的意义。若你能够学习他将身边的事变得如此有趣,(当然不是搞砸的意思),那岂不是可以容易寻找到大笑的理由呢?

Friday, December 3, 2010

The day before (:

A day that takes eternity
Or a Year that seems to fly
It feels as if the past has stopped
The future passed by
If I could turn back yesterday
If I could make you mine
Would have said the things I couldnt say
If I cout turn back time
But I know things now that I never though I'd see
I Could have been the one you wanted me to be

[Chorus]
Take me back through the time that's over
Take me back to days gone by
Wish that I could take you back and feel you standing by my side
Make me more than just a memory
Someone that you cant ignore
Take me back to when you loved me yesterday
To the day before

I wonder where we could have been
If we had read beetween the lines
I should have done things differently
We should have seen the signs
If time with you were standing still
But years could pass us by
I could have said the things I meant to say
I'd never need to try
But I know things now that I never though I would
I could have been the man you though you understood

[Chorus]
Take me back through the time that's over
Take me back to days gone by
Wish that I could take you back and feel you standing by my side
Make me more than just a memory
Someone that you cant ignore
Take me back to when you loved me yesterday
To the day before

Through the pleasure and the pain
If I'd had the chance
You know that I would do it all again

[Chorus]
Take me back through the time that's over
Take me back to days gone by
Wish that I could take you back and feel you standing by my side
Make me more than just a memory
Someone that you cant ignore
Take me back to when you loved me yesterday
To the day before



this song is awesome (:
you can do well (:

violin (:

I started playing violin when i was standard 5 if i am not mistaken. It all started off when mama saw an advertisement on the newspaper about cheap violins and courses and for no doubt, she asked me if i want to. =) i agreed.. but this violin lesson lasted for only two years i guess.
After that, i was given a chance once again to take back my violin. This time the teacher was really harsh and strict. You can never imagined the first time i attended the lesson i dropped the violin. Why?? i just don't know. She was shouting and really rise up from fear from the inside out. I could hardly speak a word and even held my breathe. Yet, i can stand her until now, for almost a year learning from her. She was awesome, but not many can stand her for so long i guess... because of her emotions you thought you were sitting on a roller coaster.
What a fun journey isn't it! =P
This december i was given a chance to be on stage. Well obviously i am nervous because i am still not satisfied with my current performance yet she said i can do well.
Alright, i am taking up the courage, learning to gain confidence and try my best this time.
I never thought i am back to violin once again.. really having butterflies in my stomach ...

God, i will make this a worship for you =)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

don't get too excited =P

I have once been told by someone," don't get too ecxited for the future until you forget to enjoy what you're doing now"," there are some things in life you just need to go through as you grow up."
so here i am, getting really excited for Christmas, for decorations, for drama, for next year =)
so i tend to get on a day dream for a moment and i was pulled back to my spm stuffs =)
yea, two more papers. I have done my best in the previous papers and will let God do the rest =)

newspaper today says that people nowadays tend to share everything out, even the food they have eaten today. It really sounds funny but that's what we're going through isn't it. It's good to really keep a distance away from facebook and blog actually. =)
keep some privacy's in life.
stay mysterious. haha =P

Monday, November 29, 2010

"what" and "if" (:

What if we were made for each other
Born to become best friends and lovers
I want to stay right here
In this moment with you
Over and over and over again

What if this could be a real love
A love, a love, yeah
I don't know what to think
Is this real or just a dream
In my heart is where you'll be
I'll keep waiting till we meet
What if were made for each other
Born to become best friends and lovers
I want to stay right here
In this moment with you
Over and over and over again

What if this could be a real love
A love, a love, yeah
I write our names down in the sand
Picturing all our plans
I close my eyes and I can see
You, and you ask, "Will you marry me?"

Is it made up in my mind?
Am I crazy just wasting time?
I think this could be love
I'm serious

What if we were made for each other
Born to become best friends and lovers
I want to stay right here
In this moment with you
Over and over and over again

What if this could be a real love
A love, a love, yeah
Boy, you know you really make my heart stop
Stop, stop
Oh, what if this real love
What if this real love
Oh, boy, you make my heart stop
You make my heart stop


not by assuming, but what if.. =)
i am not worrying because God takes good care of you so...
what if?? =)

Glory of Love (:

Tonight it's very clear
Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I will never leave you alone
Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't want to lose you
I could never make it alone
I am a man who would fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
You keep me standing tall
You help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone
I am a man who would fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
It's like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away
I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
We're gonna live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love...             (: ALL FOR LOVE

Friday, November 26, 2010

I'm your angel (:

No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

-Celine Dion

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

angel Gabriel =)

it's always exciting to take up a role in drama because you get to act again and most importantly,you have to lost yourself for that very moment and be what you really need to be =) it's as if being someone else =)
interesting huh..
the role that i have taken has always speak to me in one way or another because every role brings out a message..so angel angel, what do i receive this time .. will know until i act =) teehee
i am looking forward to another christmas this year, without looking at anything else because all i want is just
LOOK UPON JESUS =)
it's all about YOU ..not about me.. not about others...

i am ready to be humble and learn from angel Gabriel...and Christabel doesn't exist in the drama..
there you go =)

Friday, November 19, 2010

who would have thought?? (:

That's the word you said ,"i never thought it's you at the end" =) kinda touches me.
True, who would have thought things changed this way.
We are the same, but something has changed. And that is the years we gone by, from naive to matured.
It's totally different now. Standing beside the road, even though it's dark and scary, but the light is shining because you said ,"this time no running into a mess"
there are a lot more cases but our heart knows better so there is no need to boast.
least expecting this year has made me feel a lot better =)
i should sound more excited because it is like waiting for someone, the one you wished for passed by but someone appeared right in front of you and you felt " oh my old friend, never thought it's you".
Friends..
all i wish for is some reconciliation of friendships. It comes and goes but don't try to grip it too tight.
It hurts, we all know that.
So take it easy, you can care a little, remain the love in the heart, endure until the day comes itself and have hopesss =)
Prayer is heard ..

Thursday, November 18, 2010

overflowing blessings =)

Purse =)
Dinner with daddy in pizza =)
Dinner with aunt and cousins in Michelangelo =)
Two sweet mug=)
Family dinner=)
Light Yellow apple from ed =)
A video and magic cards =)
My record of singing =)
Fireworks in the city =)
Sweet calls and spam wishes in facebook and sms =)
Friends countdowns and early birthday wishes =)
New phone from guardian =)
Sparkle Necklace and a treasure box =)
Countless smile =)
two funny clothes =)
Celebration with teachers and friends =)
handmade bag and a book =)
Photoalbum =)
Two ferroro rocher =)
Love papers from chinese orchestra =)
sweet red card =)
lovely handmade name =)

things come when you least expect them =)
truly, from zero.. thanks for everything..


A GIFT OF BIRTH FROM MUM.
A GIFT OF BREATHE FROM GOD =)

Mum, just between us (:

Mum, today is my birthday.你在天堂看下来了吗?
你的宝贝17岁了,在你眼里, 我是否停留在15岁呢?=)
妈咪,这两年我得到太多的爱和祝福了,虽然就是少了你的陪伴,但就多了一份思念。
不用紧=)
今年难免掉了几滴眼泪,床上放着你的冷衣,洗不掉的温暖。。
亲爱的妈咪,可否再唱一次生日歌给我呢?
在梦里,我等你。谢谢你,我爱你=)

Monday, November 15, 2010

better person

Thank God for every experience when i have to remind myself that i am not a failure, or make me realize how wrong was i and to learn from my mistakes. You let me understand that being the best for God is not easy, although i tore myself down this time, although i was influenced this time, i am gonna humble myself to learn everything again and build myself.
God, truly You have revealed a lot of things to me this year, i have gained so much, at the same time, You have shown me my weaknesses that i can correct.
Lead my heart and build my character, from the start, to be a better person for You =)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

one year old by now..

an issue was brought out..finally..
i don't know what i want..
I have played many roles in my life, and one of the greatest now is -an adopted child, which i never expected it would happen.
Some relatives and friends of my teacher asked : " you're taking her as your own child?? If you are, means we have to treat her like our own family members." or " what?? you're taking care of her and you said you're his father but not legal yet??"
I have been staying with them for a year and a few months more already. There's a lot of things going on my life when you just need the adult to go with you or settle with you. If it's not legal, people will ask my guardian " who are you".
Am i really ready to accept a new family?? Why is it hard for me when i found a home, and when i am having almost everything i need in life...
I told my teacher, gimme some time before i decide to go for procedures in legalizing our relationship.
God, things are never easy. Let me walk in Your light, and i don't have to harden up my heart without noticing. Just a little bit more of comfort. Amen.

Monday, November 8, 2010

"GOODBYE"

I took a deep breath.
Nothing in this world stays the same and they don't remain.
Things, people, memories slowly fade away...
The decision I've made, changes things right at the moment.
Left only, the flashbacks of everything.
It's not going to be the same, but i will walk it through, by FAITH.
I loosen the grip and was relieved.
It's more than a word "goodbye".
I left here, before the time ended.
It's like i am writing my story now and end with a twist.
It will not be a cliff hanger because i will hold on tight on what i have and what i want to achieve. =)

finally..

She said she wanted to see me. I puzzled with fear at first, but at last i decided to walk in and meet her. I prayed " God, grant me the wisdom to speak." I entered, she looked at me with a furious ans serious eyes and asked "婧柔,你可以听我说话吗? ” I nodded. She gave me a lot of advices and guidances which i have already expected. I wasn't shaken, but my mind was stucked. I thought i was being a rebellious student. It wasn't like that. She ended her words and asked me to think deeper. The world freezed. Finally i decided to say out. "校长,我决定了。”
When i walked out, i was still trembling. Not in fear nor simply excited. I know once i have spoken that, i am responsible for my words and my life. I am gonna pray that God, no matter what happens, You'll open doors for me.
-with all sincerity and truth, i cling on YOUR PROMISES.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

sweet =)

-The love under a hawthorn tree-
"You promise me that when you hear my name, you'll come back "
"I cannot wait for a year and a month, i cannot wait till you're 25, but i will wait for forever."

-The Last Song-
"I just need to know are you still there"
"When i say i am in and i am not going anywhere, can you believe that?"
"You are dead but it's alive for me now"

Saturday, November 6, 2010

love you dad =)

there's no greater joy i found today then meeting you daddy =)
how i have longed for moments like this =) just chatting with you, laughing with you, patting your back and push you while you walk, saying nonsence and joke with you =) feeling the whole world is only me and you..
DADDY AND DAUGHTER
dad, you said i love to touch things since i was young, you once brought me to Sains Negara. I touched everything i see and i saw a light bulb and thought it was a button. I touched it and ouch, my finger burned =)
You know since mum left, you're the only person to remind me the funny things during childhood.
I love you =)
You used to just suddenly stop when i walk behind of you and i collided with you.
You used to pull my nose and said let it grow taller =) how foolish.
You used to break your promises but now i know i can count on something finally.
Rather than saying you left us before, now i would say that daddy, i am glad you came back.
I said today, " dad, i will be officially 17 soon..means you have grown older for 17 years after having me" =)
you always thought i am still a baby girl..so small so small..
You said you're 42 this year, i counted... when i am 30, almost the age of getting married, you're 55.. i did not tell you what i was thinking .. that's a secret of letting you know that i want you to hold me into the church =)
but i said " dad, be careful of your diet, your tummy is coming out, i want you to be healthy and have a long-life"
 I MEAN IT =)
thank you daddy..

Thursday, November 4, 2010

born again =)

i'm a little bit excited because my birthday is coming soon =)
it's time to clear off some old messages so i have enough memory to let people spam my phone with wishes =)
this year's birthday i am gonna make myself someone who is new born to earth and don't own anything.
Why??
Because i wanna feel once again of being grateful about everything i have and everything that i don't deserve =)
if i held on to too many wishes, i am sure at the end of the day, there will be some little disappointments and i don't think i want it =)
things may come when you least expect them too.
so..dady mamy i love you =)
i will be officially seventeen SOON =) !!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

merely a performance

i saw you posting that..for the first second i was extremely excited because what you just said i said before..
but after a second i thought, why was i reacting like that..
i knew somehow i was happy to know that..we still share something together =P
there's always something..very true huh.
Celine dion >> a new day, that's the way it is, TO LOVE YOU MORE

all the while

all the while i have been saying "nice" words to give myself a little comfort. A lot of times i remind myself not to do things to serve men but to serve God, and i always say "it's okay, i have tried". But my heart always yearn for results, yearn for some fruits that i can see and feel . I sang " my heart and faith will not be shaken"..

it comes to thursday once again.
it's always about thursday.
now i will tell myself, i am leaving soon. to start well and finish well is my goal and that's all.
what i can do. i have done.
I'll leave out the rest to God =)

i will go back to the beginning once again to build myself =)
 i love you all and hope you love me too.

Friday, October 29, 2010