只有你能够陪我承担

白色方格铺在脚前，它一声不响地等待我把一个个字过滤后写出来。
唯一能够不过滤把话吐出来的对象只有在天上的阿爸父。
这里毕竟真的没有内心深处的隐私，打出来的一个个字是别人窥探另一个人内心的角落。

人在世上活着或死了，都有一排排的文件，一叠叠文凭，一张张的单据。
这些一片片得以伤感情的东西，也不过是一种证明，记录，黑字白纸理智地说明着世上琐碎的事务，和离开后带不走的东西。

母亲啊，如果那天你决定签下那份“以防万一作准备的文件”心情难过的话，你可否对现在的事情也会有所担忧？只是如果，如果你看到的话。。。

我们就是那堆傻瓜，为了一些英文字母团团转的大傻瓜。
我们一边转，一边带着面具，多么像是人间游乐园。

如果给我一张票，我宁愿选择儿童票。成人票的优惠，一点都不刺激，不纯真。
虽说如此，我会学习，我只能这样，我必须学习。

我们一起转，然后彼此又各自在原地转。
你们也同时一起在我头上转，各自以各自的立场和观点说这样做才对，这样才对我好。

我们必须在不同的人面前说出应该说的话，因为他们应该听的，就只有那么一丁点地多。

一边转，一边对峙。

我们又能全然信任谁？
我们真的必须这么防备大灰狼会再现？

A边不信任B边，B边不信任A边。
我选择信任A边，A边质疑我的信任，B边和C边提醒我收敛一点点的信任。
C边，只有C边可以帮我解决，C 边只要一踏进来，棋局就必须重新来过了，因为多了一双手，一张嘴，而我也必须答应凡是要听和完全遵行。

"亲爱的天父，求你洞察人心，打开我的双眼，赐我智慧去分明和观察。一切不荣耀你的事，原谅我，将它们一一挪开，用你的公义和慈爱审判。持守信心将这一切归于你手中。我所有的，都在你手中，所需的，你已经赐予。感谢主，只有你能够陪我承担。”

阿门<3

死去

部落格，晚安
繁星，晚安

今天的我已经死去，
明天又是全新的自己。

我不能一次又一次地伤害你，
这样很狠毒。

我不该这样挑战你的极限，
不该合理化这种环境，
不该用中文打出你看不懂的文字。

我先慢慢走开，好吗？

我真的应该慢慢离开，真正改变和装备自己。

这一切停止，结束后，
如果你还在。。。
那就是另一个篇章。

我必须清楚自己的岗位，自己的时间，
我守不住了的这个东西该松手，不可以硬扯的懂吗？

旧的已经死去，
更新自己。

学会不做刺猬，有多难？

我们的一个思想，一个情绪，一个个单字，一个动作，时刻那么不经意地伤害他人。
对于自己的至亲，好友，爱人，加倍地容易。

我们努力地提醒自己要爱，要像Mother Teresa说的，love until it hurts.

这句话我们明白多少？体会多深？

我开始词穷了，可是所思的无法平息。

我们背负了本性有的私念和罪恶，身上长满了刺，
我们都是走在街道城市里的刺猬。

一天又一天一次又一次，我们的刺在痛苦的经验中削饨后，
一转身它又变长了。

当某个时刻来到，内心围墙筑了起来，充满爱和喜乐的心被堵住了，
我们也用身上的刺伤害了别人。

然而神说，forgive others, only then the Lord will forgive you.

可是，千万不要因为你知道一个人会原谅，而更轻易忽略这一点，放肆地刺伤别人。

学会不做刺猬，到底有多难？

会是你吗？

兜兜转转，我们回到了另一个交会点。
我曾说：“放弃了吧，无需再等待再持守，你早就该放手了，是你没有将它抓紧。”

然后贸贸然地又来到了今天，比起暧昧，我们看得更远了一点。

还在思考，神是听到了我的祷告？看见了我的泪水？还是，这之中真的有一个意想不到的美意。

你知道吗？现在我最害怕的，不是我犹豫自己的感觉，我害怕的是我们两人之间与神沟通的教义方式不一样。而我，还没准备开口告诉你，虽然这事不隐瞒——为宜。

亲爱的天父，

我顺服于你，倘若没有一间教会是完美的，那请你带领我到一间能够荣耀你的教会，遵循你话语的教会。我并不完美，可是我愿意被主你使用。
我要学习舍弃所有自己内心的需要，完全交托在你手中，然后学习基督，没错，耶稣，我要向你学习 。
我必须含着泪地说，主啊，如果这个是你的旨意，求你成全，如果这个无法喜悦你心意，我只能割爱。

一切荣耀赞美归你，
奉主耶稣的名求，阿门。

部落更新了。我突然难过地哭了。
不是因为部落更新而哭，是因为在最需要站出来说话的时候，在最紧急时刻你错过了，
在需要保护和捍卫最后一点点的立场的时候你什么都说不出来。

天父的心意是什么？好害怕．
兜兜转转你让我回来之后，你让我们回来之后，又再次被偷走了的又是什么？

我不明白我为何难过，这并不是一场生死决斗，
这没有和尊严扯上什么，我获得什么？我又会失去什么？这或许只是生命一小段挣扎，
一个别人选择下的信仰。

哭哭啼啼的，做了几年的基督徒，却不能为远方亲戚朋友帮上一点忙？

这信仰原本都不是一段好走的路，它不是因为好走，不是因为一切会变得顺利所以你相信。

路途中抵挡试探，诱惑，被信徒绊倒，被诚实话绊倒，被真理推翻，被世界影响，
灵性慢慢慢慢地消失。

不是我，我很好。
我的信心没有动摇，
我只是无助了。

要站起来，
要如鹰般不断在高空上盘旋，

求主把我的双眼先盖上，让它们因见你的真理你的爱，以你的视野看这一切方可挣开。
求主把我的双唇闭上，洁净它们，因它们不沾上任何人自私的话语，懂得如何说话了才开口。
求主把我的双耳封闭，让听进去的一切与你的真理厘清之后，等待你赐给我的智慧，
了解如何继续活出这生命。

Drawings (:

dear Xue ning, i am gonna randomly shared just a few of drawings to you. i have not finished taking all of them and it's a LOT!! haha. for the first few lessons we were introduced to do mark-makings, expressing your marks in different material,mostly dry and or ink (; 

As an artist,you also need to feel for yourself.PHYSICAL IMPACT + ATTACK ON PAPER)

sounds funny right (: 

Playing with positive and negative as well, drawing only the outline (contour line drawing) ,drawing with eyes closed, with two hands,with your memory, by looking only at the subject and not the paper AT ALL,drawing with both hands....explore a few weird ways and you will find them all interesting (:

the black black one on top we did it under spotlight, changing all the reflections of light to black, it was difficult at the beginning, Because the brighter it seems for the subject, the darker you have to make it in your drawing (:

 for the same bottles, we were asked to go against the traditional way of composition. The other three pieces are very weird, the whole big paper maybe there's only the cap of the bottle popping out from the bottom of the edge of drawing paper,THAT'S ALL !(: 

there's also one thing that we dont just sit far from still life, (still life can be anything around you,it's not something being purposely displayed in front of you).

We were encouraged to use our five senses when drawing, so you smell,you touch,feel,and express them in whatever ways, subjectively,objectively, or this want it called GESTURAL DRAWING -scribbling. 

(:

under spotlight too, this is "SHADOW CASTING". with charcoal and charcoal pencil.

this is done by soft pastel, i smudge it with my fingers (too smooth,some people thinks).

After taking photos from outdoor,we have to do a representational drawing,in A1 size.

(photo is blur ;( )

there's another one which we combine few things from different photos together again, but we have to have SELECTIVE FOCUS. 

Pastel+ charcoal

alright, this is real fun. before cutting this out, we have to draw in A1 size, considering the interlocking of space, overlapping, "push and pull" effects, contrast of tones,repetition, mark-making, texture,etc to complete the drawing(creating movements)...

then, you have to divide planes while drawing.

Finally cut them all out into pieces, "DARE TO DECONSTRUCT AND RECONSTRUCT",

,now it's based on your 心态 in contemporary composition，and your flexibility in looking at it. 

i have done a few attempts and this is my final decision. haha(: 

Lastly in pencil ,we have engine drawing. haha (: we took lots of photo from the car engine and we have to make one representational, and unlimited EXPERIMENTAL DRAWINGS on different disposed paper or cardboards,or wood you can find. using dry or wet materials, even prints, collage or whatever you can think off (:

well this is one of it, i printed out few pictures in black and white. before cutting them to stripes ,i used thiner to transfer the image to tracing paper,then i cut all the tracing paper to random shapes. for the picture, i cut them to stripes,mix them out, and combine each part to a different part. 

after sticking on the box, i used 8b pencil to draw some parts partially, then i sed bitumen to paint on top (:

this is the corner where i display my work for assessment and those you see in the picture are my different sizes of experimental drawing.

i even used white gesso spray and other materials.

show you one day (: 

thanks for your time <3

Paintings for semester 2 (:

there are seven different techniques,first row on the left is wet on wet. basically you paint from the colour that squeezed out from the tubes ,using them "fresh and immediate" and apply them layer after layer without waiting for the first few layers to get dry.

On it's right is called smooth blending. Just make it as smooth as possible.

the second row first one (most left) is called extended Alla Prima. It's a fast way of quickly protraying still life, required to finish as soon as possible. The layer should be thinner, but if you touch up and make it heavier textured, it's called "extended" Alla prima.

On it's right is called Rubbing. You paint the whole canvas board with a colour, then you use turpentine to rub out the colout tone and build form. Using cloth,brush,even your fingers.

Next one is called "glazing". a lot of western masterpieces used this method and that's why now you know it makes sense on painting for up to three years. It's possible. Because this method required you to glaze the colour layer  by layer. what we do for this is we colour it black and white, and if we want the colour orange,we glaze yellow, then another week red, following next week yellow again...goes on and on,never ending. We wont be able to finish it, but there's a way called Scumbling which you apply white again to touch up and make some parts lighter (:

Last row first is Alla Prima. I wasnt satisfied with it that's why i did the extended one.

Next to it is dry brush, you need to squeeze the colour on a newspaper and leave it dry for a few days only you apply on the canvas board (: 

Last one is abstract :" Impasto" is the name. You can docollage or make your own texture,then you paint it anyway. No subject-matter (: (: 

i sticked cloth,dry leaves,textured paper,and gesso before painting it.

Crazy stuff ;p

The next painting we were asked to go around taking photos of flowers,leaves,it has to be with foreground,middle ground,and background.

photo of this painting is not that clear. basically i came out with this composition with different photos.

This painting requires us to work on Impressionist, i chose Monet as artist reference and i used a lot of pallette knife in applying paints to create rough texture.

I do not think i have fully made it impressionist but it's just a guideline to work on this piece so it's still okay (: 

during the finishing process, actually the middle of the bunch of flowers weren't there from the beginning. But when it's almost done, lecturer said the main subject of this composition has formed a very obvious straight line.

(Cover with your hand and you'll see)

So it's not good in viewing for a tradisional way of composition,so i have to add a bunch of flowers that lead people's eyes to go down and go up again (:

The second one,same composition but we have to make it Expressionist or Fauvist(野兽派）

. I can say it's the beginning of making it ridiculous. The colours for everything is subjective, and i felt very awkward throughout finishing this thing. Yeah the colours are bright for fauvist, and it's also flat. 

Meant to be this way??

Till now i still cant really take it ;p

the last three were in bigger canvases. We have to make one indoor,one outdoor,and one with both. the requirement is either two needs to be impressionist,one has to be expressionist or fauvist again. and one composition has to be asymmetrical ,one symmetrical, one approximate symmetrical.

This composition was taken under the long railway that we took our dinner(xue ning) (: that time with Chris,qiu ning, remember??

Artist reference :Cezanne (post-impressionist)

The main thing that i take from Cezanne is a little of his brushstrokes style.

We always have a habit of our own brushstrokes style, every individual has one. And lecturer asked us to breakthrough and experiment more first before fixing on one. It wasn't easy,subconsciously you'll always go back to your own style.

So i chose a flat bigger brushstrokes for this painting.

Second one,artist reference Edgar Degas(Impressionist).

I have always felt that my colour need some improvements. So i chose a few of his paintings,get the colour in my mind,referring to his paintings while painting mine. Even the brushstrokes i loosen out and make it a little alla prima style (:

i love this the most ;p

But lecturer said it's a bit too grayish. There's one thing in oil paint, if you mix colours with white too much, as time passes by, your painting will eventually get grayish. But not so soon,slowly slowly..(:

another silly one~

I chose red and blue because it gives you a strong weird feeling when looking at it.

Artist reference: Henri Martisse( Fauvist and Expressionist)

As i progress on, lecturer kept saying it's not bold enough. So i have to try using weird colour combinations,weird things to complete this painting. i Created strange texture here and there ;p

thanks for your patience (: